When I first left AA in May of 2011, I was virtually walking into a new life. One that I didn’t know I had missed -for 36 years.
I had wanted to be a non drinker for those years…all on my own volition. I had quit on my own and joined AA-at 18, because I thought AA was just a nice group of young people I could hang with – a group that didn’t drink. The bate and switch caught me as quick as a alligator eats its prey in the swamp. …gulp….down I went….the AA rabbit hole of “take what you like and leave the rest, but you better take the 1 st half of the 1st step 100% or Else!!!”
When I left AA at first, there was a lot of regret, tears came at the oddest moments, sitting eating Sushi with my oldest son. I could not hold them back… big bulging tears, a knot in my throat. Bursts of sad emotion that came from deep within my inner most self.
No, no….I did not miss AA. Nor did I miss the meetings or the ladies ( sorry if you are reading this). Perhaps it was that I did spend too long in AA or I was involved in AA General Service so long…too long ….that I knew in the most intimate way, how fucking nuts they were and are in Area 05 of west Los angels …and its secret cult Bullshit of lies.
It was really those 2 years as a GSR that took me out. I am now glad they didn’t follow protocol to let us address safety. If they would have, I might still be trapped in AA, in some form or fashion. There were so many Sunday mornings where I looked around the room of some 75 GSR’s and thought to myself, ” what the hell am I doing here, now at 9am on a SUNDAY morning with these weird unfriendly, anti social people.
So after I was gone for about a year, I realized that I felt as though I was still not a part of the real world in many ways. I had missed going to a University /college, college fraternizes, and all that drinking that usually ensues. Work parties I never went to, after rehearsal hangouts with my Groundling classmates, drinking with my fellow actors when I studied at Playhouse West, drinking with fellow young women fem the 20th Centry Fox temp pool, who invited me all the time and I declined. Not going to so many things I was invited to as a pretty 20 something when I first arrived in Hollywood. Instead I went to 12 and 12 Studies on Thursday nights, then to The House of Pies in North Hollywood on Laurel Canyon Blvd. with a straight laced groups of nice mixed bag of AA members for pie , french fries and coffee! Saturday nights were the big Book study followed by another hashing of pies and coffee.
I missed College Graduation. I never went to a traditional College. I went to Acting School for five years and Studied voice privately for seven. Still so many parities I was the one holding a glass of Perrier with a twist of lime!
So here I am out of AA about 15 months and we embarked on a 1,600 mile drive, with my friend Amy, when out of my mouth came something that was the beginning of my true freedom. As we drove over the mountain pass to Colorado, with sun setting on our backs, I said ….
“Amy…I am not in AA anymore, but I don’t feel apart of the regular world yet either. …I still don’t drink. She asked if I wanted to have something to drink ? …I said …”not yet, but I am curious what it would taste like after all this time. ”
Then I said…
I am not in AA anymore…and I can do what ever I want! “
A month later I was at a party and it was there that by accident there was vodka in some House Lemonade.
I have blogged here on LEAVING AA about this experience on the Abstinence Vs Moderation thread, but It was when I made a decision to imbibe, that real freedom ensude. A sense of empowerment …filled me. This is my life!
I don’t promote that anyone do what I did. I was a teen, I only imbibed problematically for 5 years when I quit on my own without a hitch. I give no advice here. I will eventually put a disclaimer on this site that I am not a professional. My years of deprogramming told me that I knew, that I would NOT Have an issues with alcohol. And I have not. I am still very much a light weight and I like it that way. I have the utmost respect for alcohol.
What I am saying here, is that I had no doubts, and I knew implissantly that I was fine. But my deprogramming started a long time ago, while I was in AA, and to some extent, still brainwashed in AA.
So back to the question? Having fun after leaving AA….
Last night we had about 25 people over my house. Just a casual music night. Mostly singers and musicians and their spouses. We had Karaoke, live music, food, and we all took turns singing and playing. Food, Wine , beer, Laughter, some dancing. We had a blast. But in these past two years my husband and I who certainly never needed booze to sing or to get up to dance…both agree, that now that we imbibe, life is even that much better, fuller, nicer, … it has been ….yes…even more fun.
I have taken some wine classes and I am now learning about Italian and Spanish wines.
I don’t think I will become a SOM, 🙂 but I do have a good nose and a really clean palate , cause I didn’t drink a drop for 37 years.
I still sometimes feel I was deeply harmed and badly effected by getting into AA so young. I think I would have gotten more involved in my community and done “service and maybe even politics if I were not in the cult….I certainly would have gone to University and have a degree or two by now !
I hope that my work can change what is going on in the Criminal Justice System. I hope that my work will change how people seek help for alcohol overuse issues. I plan to stop coercion with Pilots, Doctors , Nurses and stop Medical students from being forced to attend an AA meeting. ( Who started that shit ?) I also plan to make it like sliced bread that no DUI person is NOT sent to any 12 step 1935 meeting ever again. Get that pro AA side to fight for what they want< stop signing court cards and educating the public that they can not be forced there for any crime. 1st amendment rights issue.
Lastly, I think milions have been traumatized by AA. The numbers will not come out until my film and the other new film “The Business of Recovery” is in full distribution. Then I think we will have an outpouring of victims, and many lawsuits.
What do you do now for fun… now that you have left AA? Are you one who imbibes? Are you still afraid to? . Are you one who wants to never imbibe again, and if so, what have you done to feel a part of the real world.
I am very clear that AA is not a part of the “REAL WORLD” ( pre AA takeover of amercian media/society/cultural memes- pre 1975- yet it has taken over a lot of things in america…. and in some ways, it is so much like Scientology.