In AA they teach that you don’t have an excuse or reason for drinking, they say you have a disease. I say this is utter nonsense; here is the reason I started drinking the way I did.
As a young child experiencing a divorce I felt responsible. I did not have the life experience or instruction necessary to understand or cope with what was happening to me. The people I relied on, my parents, my lifeline, were afraid to talk to me and tell me the truth. I was a smart kid and capable of understanding but was not getting complete information from the people who I was instinctively tethered to. Because of the lack of truthful communication I came to my own conclusions. It was obvious where my father was coming from by the evidence at hand, he left me and mom for another woman, he had started a new family, in my view I was unwanted and undesirable. Mom had to survive, this further complicated matters in that new men were brought into the home, this further compromised my family. The new men had their own motives and did what they had to in achieving their goals. At this point I was living a lie, my only ally, my mother, could not fill the shoes of what a boy needs, a father. I was interested in stuff moms can’t help you with. I needed someone to talk to and support me, I needed a father to teach me about life from a mans perspective. I needed a parent to stick with me through thick and thin and show me they cared, only then could I muster the strength to care myself. Instead I was given a psychologist, further proof that something was wrong with me. I remember thinking the following as I proceeded to destroy myself; if someone would care I would stop. I drank from age twelve to thirty six, it stopped the pain and made life bearable. The only disease I had was that of having an asshole for a father. Can you share this in AA, heck no, they would want to know your part in it.