A MAN Gets raped by another AA member, Midtown Group, Atlantic Group of Alcoholics Anonymous

This is a tragic story, yet all over the country this is occurring. This is one mans story.

Why I Left Alcoholics Anonymous

It’s never easy to leave an organization you called a second home. To say goodbye to your friends and everything I knew is rather difficult. But on the 10th of July of this year, I made the bold statement of walking out the door and never looking back. The question is why?

Dispite what many will tell you about Alcoholics Anonymous, the organization in and of itself is in fact a philosophy religious in nature. As a matter of fact and public record, many courts across this country have indeed deemed it to be a religion in and of itself. While it has been a longstanding tradition and legal precedent to sentence those afflicted with alcoholism to Alcoholics Anonymous, many who do not fall within the DSM definition of Alcohol Dependency use the patented “I’m an alcoholic” defense to avoid harsher sentencing for crimes they comitt.

The man who raped me was one of those men.

(While I will not use his actual name in an effort to not give him any more attention, I will merely use the pronouns “he” “him” and “his” when discussing his crimes.)

In 2009, he was facing charges of agratived sexual battery. Facing a rather lengthy sentence, his lawyer summised that given the fact that he had been drunk while comitting this crime, he not only previously stated that he had not had issues with alcohol dependency in the past, he managed to avoid 5 years in jail by going along with the “I have a problem” and hence was sentenced to 3 years of probation, 3 years of mandated attendance at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and 3500 hours of sexual addicition counseling.

When I sobered up in 2011, I had relocated to Washington DC in an effort to sober up. Having previously attended meetings in New York City, I was convinced that maybe a geographic wouldn’t be such a bad idea. After contacting the AA hotline in Washingston DC, I was directed to go to a meeting called Midtown, which was very similiar to the meeting I attended in New York. It was there that I met the man who, three weeks into my sobriety would alter the course of my life.

At first, he seemed rather harmless and quite the man about “AA campus”, who seemed to know everyone. And given that I was in desperate need of guidance, I found it helpful that he had relapsed often but was sure that he found vital and permanent sobriety in AA. But there were signs that something was rather off about him.

For instance, one time he exposed his genitals to me while urinating in a soda can. Considering I was from New York, at first it didn’t seem that bizarre. Looking back in hindsight, the fact that he informed me that he enjoyed getting punched in the head while engaging in unprotected sex should have been a big warning sign. But again, I gave him a pass after realizing that as I was told at Midtown, “Questioning your sponsor is a sure fire sign of wanting to relapse” and considering I wanted to stay sober, I did what was asked.

On November the 6th of 2011 would be the day that would change my life forever. I was completing what those in the AA program call a 4th step, which is a step geared towards allowing a person to see fault in his own behaviour towards others. Considering I didn’t have a place to stay that night, he allowed me to stay with him which I found a little odd but I went with him knowing that he had a roommate.

The following day, I woke up and discovered that I was not only bleeding but bleeding from anus which never happened before. While he did take me to the hospital, he started to tell me that if I told anyone what happened that no one would believe a white trash hooker like me.

Upon arriving at the hospital, I not only needed stitches to repair what he had done, I surpressed the anger that was emerging and began to deny the inevitable:

That this man who was supposed to be a safe person in AA had raped me.

After the hospital visit, things began to change very differently for the both of us. I became paranoid and scared (I would soon start shaking uncontrollably) and after two more months, finally broke free of this guy after he told me that if I told anyone what he did that he’d find me and slit my throat. He, until a few months ago, began an aggravated harassment campaign that eventually stopped after I went to the Federal Court building in Manhattan to a restraining order (he is currently incarcerated in a Federal prison for drug related charges hence the reason why I filed the restraining order in Federal Court)

Now you would find your thinking, well if he is in jail why not continue going to AA?

I did attend meetings after that but, considering what happened and what came after (3 years of panic attacks, shaking uncontrollably (which I don’t do today thank God) and 190 emails from him telling me that he is gonna slit my throat, kill me, and informimg me that I am a white trash faggot who will never have a loving family or friends)), I have discovered that I am not the only one who has suffered from this type of abuse but a mulitude of others as well.

For many many years, I prayed to have God remove my shaking and my panic attacks as I was told to do by a man who was my third and final sponsor) and after continuing to have suffered from them, on the 10th of July of this year, I not only walked away from AA but from that day forward, i haven’t experienced any panic attacks at all.

I left because I needed to finally learn how to live. When one spends nearly 4 years being traumized, I realized that the only thing AA taught me how to do well is to be an obident member of the flock.

I wanted more out of my life!

So today, I get to do just that, LIVE. Live without having to watch my back all the time but most importantly finally do what I couldn’t for years out of hiding a secret,



The 13th Step- A Documentary Film, Exposing Sexual & Violent Predators, in Alcoholics Anonymous and its culture Available NOW on VIMEO!

Well- it’s here— now– finally after four years of work.  We won some awards, got into The Cannes Festival in the DOCUMENTARY CORNER, and fought hard to get Broadcast distribution. I get emails from around the US and the world daily about the problems in AA.

BUY IT HERE. CLICK ON THE BLUE THE 13th Step  on top Left !


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The film that tells the truth about the most revered self-help group on the planet. AA- ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, promoted as the wonder of this century by ROCKEFELLER,  NEUT GINGRICH, DICK VAN DYKE, ELTON JOHN, EDIE FALCO, Senator Hughes, Chuck Lorre, Martin Sheen and many more.

Little did I know how deep the rabbit hole went when I started making the film in May of 2011. It was Christine and Saundra Cass’s murder in Hawaii that did it for me.  Learning about Karla Brada’s murder put the nails in the coffin as well.

But when I learned about how Pilots, Nurses, and Doctors are extorted to attend in such an insane way …I could not believe my ears or eyes as I read their contracts. This could be another whole film on CNN , FRONTLINE or 60 Minutes – but I digress.

The latest News about Corrupt Sober Living Houses, (Chris Bathum featured on ABC 20/20 recently)  fraud in Rehabs and how PROP 36 sends all the diversion folks to a SOBER LIVING, drug tests all clients and makes everyone follow the 1936 -12 step Prohibition WAYS of NO ALCOHOL , “no nothing” kinda mentality. YIKES !!!

Interesting note that Major Insurance is paying for The Sober Living sham, through a thing called IOP’s and expensive Drug Testing. Who owns the drug testing COMPANY you may ask? I find myself digging, again, down another rabbit hole. But, that’s another film. There is one pilot who I interviewed in this film. He was afraid to be seen.

Here is the link to rent or buy the film.

Activists or AA Bashers? By Juliet Abram

I have decided to highlight some ex steppers who are writers getting their ideas printed in more places then their own blogs. Juliet Abram has a blog and runs some FACEBOOK Groups as well. Here is a post about defending ones own opinion about why some DON”T like AA anymore. ( I do think we have a right to express this, just as if we didn’t like a burger joint! )

By Juliet Abram 06/04/14


Am I an AA Basher because I found Alcoholics Anonymous unhelpful?

Check out more fresh voices in The Fix’s new blog section.

Ten years ago, I learned that AA’s primary purpose was helping “other alcoholics to achieve sobriety” through working the 12 steps. To disagree was to “bash” AA. I believed AA could help MORE people if it was secular, not spiritual. I even objected to staying anonymous. Were we ashamed? People with other diseases organize 5K runs and put magnetic ribbons on their cars.

Today, my home state of Ohio has over 266,000 people with three or more drunk driving arrests. When I was court ordered to 12-step meetings for the third time, I knew I had to do something different. After all, hadn’t I heard in AA that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing and expecting different results?

I had over a year left of probation when I started a Secular Organization for Sobriety (S.O.S.) meeting. Still, my probation officer professed AA was necessary for my sobriety, and my refusing to go could have resulted in jail time.

I discovered that AA is not a support group that encourages the exchange of ideas. It is a fellowship based on living spiritually and carrying the AA message to others. The women who wanted to help me would ask if I had a higher power – was it God, and did I pray to it? I wanted to be restored to sanity, but as an atheist, I could not make believe I had an imaginary friend.

Discussing spirituality, or religion, made me uncomfortable. As far as I am aware, alcoholism is the only “spiritual” disease. I believe it is beyond the government’s scope of power to prescribe prayer under threat of imprisonment. My opposition to the AA organization does not mean I oppose recovery, but as long as 12-step treatment centers only support AA, other options like S.O.S. or SMART Recovery cannot grow.

It’s not bashing AA to claim AA does not work for me. According to a National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism survey of 43,000 Americans, three quarters of those dependent on alcohol recover, and three quarters of those do so without AA. NIAAA uses the clinical definition of remission from alcohol dependence as a person who is no longer dependent, including asymptomatic, or controlled, drinking. A majority of those in recovery drink without problems according the government’s massive national survey.

So I am in the majority! But in AA one drink is failure and sets you back to Step 1, admitting you are “powerless” over alcohol.

In his 2014 book, Recover! Stop Thinking Like an Addict and Reclaim Your Life with the PERFECT Program (written with Ilse Thompson), Stanton Peele writes: “Most people overcome alcoholism themselves, as they do smoking and every other addiction.” Instead, AA enabled me with applause and reward coins for not drinking. Nobody needs to clap for me because I didn’t drink today.

It’s not bashing AA – it’s truth – to point out that AA doesn’t work for everybody – for most people – and that other methods can be helpful to them. Psychotherapy helped me recognize continuing life and emotional problems I had that the 12 steps never addressed. And I don’t consider myself powerless.

Co-founder of AA, Bill Wilson, wrote in 1958: “Today, the vast majority of us welcome any new light that can be thrown on the alcoholic’s mysterious and baffling malady… We are glad of any kind of education that accurately informs the public and changes its age-old attitude toward the drunk. More and more, we regard all who labor in the total field of alcoholism as our companions on a march from darkness into light.” It’s entirely possible Wilson would have considered SMART Recovery or Moderation Management or Peele’s new book as worthy companions to AA today.

I hope those in AA become more accepting of people who disagree with AA, or who find other ways work for them, instead of calling them bashers. Hopefully, we’ll all benefit by having fewer drunk drivers and “powerless” alcoholics.

Juliet Abram is a writer and artist. She is also a former court mandated attendee of Alcoholics Anonymous. Her activist cause for 12 Step alternatives in Ohio is the AARMED with Facts blog.

NEW to LEAVING AA and FACEBOOK- Need help deprogramming ?

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HI and Welcome ! There has been a real surge in FACEBOOK activity with ex AA members. Please join us if you want on FACEBOOK in the deprogramming page. I know some dont want to let their identity be known so we are keeping this blog going.

It is a different kind of communication.

No more hiding the truth about AA and NA anymore !

VICE looking for WOMEN PREYED on Sexually while they were attending AA or ex- AA members who were harmed.

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I have been contacted by a VICE reporter, Cecilia— the online magazine not the TV show. Millions of readers are there.

Here we go…please share everywhere. FACE BOOK and twitter too.

“Hi, my name is Cecilia and I’m a reporter with VICE.

Right now, I’m reporting a piece on the culture of sexual predation in AA.

For this article, I am hoping to speak with female AA attendees (current or former) who have been sexually assaulted or preyed on by male AA attendees.

I am more than willing to work with sources to protect their identities. To reach me, please shoot me an e-mail at cecianasta@gmail.com. Thanks so much for your time.”




After Leaving AA- being in the Real World.

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Okay—- so you’ve been gone from AA for how long—- a few days, weeks, months—maybe two, three or four years.

At what point do you feel a part of the real world. For each person it is unique. Certainly not when I first left. I was super happy to be gone — but, I still felt like I was living in the “in between” .  I didn’t’ drink and I was still abstinent. I didn’t care about my “time”  and I was embarrassed I had spent those years ” in ” AA—- what ever that means.

It was hard at first because I was so mad I spent those years in AA. And the longer I was gone, the madder I got that I was so brainwashed. I never missed it. Maybe its because I was an Active GSR the last two years that I was there. WOW was that horrid.

AA GSR’s are expected to go to the most =boring monthly meetings for two years. Sundays at 9 am – rain or shine –Mothers DAY — really — yes—-  GSR meetings— A Westside District meeting on mothers day, fathers day, Easter, you name it—-they did it.

There were countless Area and District meetings ( One day workshops ) and ridiculous  all day weekend events for you to go to and listen to nothing  and I mean nothing what so ever happening. But I was there with Kali trying to talk about Safety and our pamphlet. So even though some liked what we were doing and we had support from the Peanut Gallery and a few good AA members—-many began to ice us out and hate us and judges us and not discuss Sexual Harassment in AA. So it was easy to walk away after I tried really hard to fix what I was uncovering.

It was the Murder of Kristine and Saundra Cass in Honolulu , Ha . in August of 2010, that took me out ……

and the way AA in NY and  AA in Los Angeles, CA handled the shutting us down in regards to Member safety  and sexual predators. I was glad to walk away with my head held high.

After i was gone from AA about 14 months I was at a party and tasted a drink when it dawned on me that I was no longer IN…AA. A freedom I had never known washed over me. It was like the promises read in the stupid Big Book were happening as I sipped a simple cocktail with no desire to get drunk , with no wish to have more.

Further more — that desire never came either. Now some three and a half years later. I’m a light weight. And the times I have enjoyed with NORMAL women and friends having a lovely glass of wine is immeasurable and beat out any GSR meeting I ever went to. Or the countless service commitments I did.

I think AA should be sued for going into grade schools, my grade school,  looking for future children members. For Christ sake…even Bill Wilson got to drink into his 40’s  ….

Happily gone from AA.

Sad I wasted many years there.

Sad I said stupid stuff to my kids when they were teens.

I still hate how much AA jargon is a part of Americans language, Tv , FIlm  and culture.

Ce La Vie’

WHY Many Young People are Leaving AA- A blogger with a sense of humor- By Anonymous

freedom 1
I had to post this hear- It spoke to me at so many levels and …she  has a great sense of humor and well— I like her writing ….JC93 on said: Edit

I broke the news to my sponsor just yesterday morning during my “call time”, that I no longer knew if I believed the program. She was shocked- she had absolutely no idea what to say to me. She would have to call her sponsor and “get back to me”. (my first thought was, really? You are over 40 years old and you have no idea what to say to me, you need to go check with another grown woman who somehow miraculously holds the answers for your life?) But, I digress.
My leaving was in the making a long time before I realized it. It was little moments building slowly… and then all at once, I hit a wall and knew that this program was no longer right for me. At all! And the further I get away from it (I know, only one day being “out” to my sponsor about it, and maybe a week and a half being “out” to friends). But still! I am seeing so much and I am embarrassed- truly embarrassed- to have been SO sold out for it.
From the beginning, I always had a problem with turning to the AA literature for the answers in life. I always felt that creepy cult-y quality at conferences. Chanting, goofy platitudes and phrases, the lingo and phraseology of the program, etc. But I always pushed them down or ignored them because that is what you are taught in the program- “your best thinking got you here”. I wasn’t allowed to trust myself, I had to run it all through a sponsor. It seemed like I could never be right. If I ever had a problem with anything- justified or not, valid or not- my sponsor’s response was “well if you think there’s something wrong with everyone else… it means there is something wrong with you” and then out would come the standard “Go-to’s” of AA (Read, pray, talk to another AA, Go to a meeting, rinse, wash, repeat for the rest of your life!)
One thing that always rubbed me the wrong way was the circular reasoning. Oh, you’re doubting the program? Go read the literature OF THE PROGRAM. And I would always think “That makes zero sense!”. So for a long time(maybe a year out of my 20 months In) I refused (without telling my sponsor) to read my BB/12&12 every day like I was supposed to. But my “Moment” came when I was finally asked to speak- after a year and a half in the program it was “time”, the AA Old timers deemed. And from the moment I was asked, this feeling of doubt, and unease, and fear, and confusion just kept building and building. I caved and told my sponsor about it the night I spoke. She barely even addressed it. I thought, this program is my whole life; I depend on you for everything. Can’t you at least PRETEND (You know, “act as if”) that you give a crap about my feelings? I guess not. Well somehow I managed to get up there and spew out that AA jargon. People thought I was amazing- I’m a pretty good parrot, I guess. Just a few days later, I knew- absolutely knew- that I was leaving the program. I was terrified. I cried, I prayed, I was even suicidal. This program had been everything to me- family, friends, social life, spiritual advice, support group, they even played doctor. But once my eyes were open.. I couldn’t un-see the things I saw. And I saw what I had been trying to see all along- but wasn’t allowed to see: the inconsistencies, the cult-like qualities, the hypocrisy, and the flat out mean-ness of some of the principles! (Who tells anyone, let alone a vulnerable, depressed, drunk, that he can either “join AA or get drunk and die”. Really, who does that? )freedom 2

At first I was nervous and scared; I was nervous about my sponsor’s reaction, about losing my friends, about being gossiped about (those of us who were in the program.. you know what I am talking about. Gossip disguised with concern for “her program”. Also ashamed that I took part in that when I was a member!). I knew I would join the procession of stories: “she thought she could do it without us…” “There was this one girl who came for almost two years, and then.. she Went Out” “Come see us when you need us again!” “We thought she would make it…”Etc, etc, etc.


But then, after a day or two I realized I didn’t care. I felt so FREE when I finally decided to quit. I feel amazing! I spoke to my counselor about it, my parents, my best friend in the program (who supports me and is also questioning AA) and my best friend out of the program. And I will discuss it with my psychiatrist when I see her next week (I am bipolar, which of course is “not allowed” in AA, at least the kind of AA I went to. You maybe were allowed to BE bipolar, or depressed, or whatever, but you sure as heck weren’t allowed to talk about it, and taking medication was very, very frowned upon. You weren’t working your program right if you were on meds… you weren’t REALLY sober…). The point is, I have taken steps to replace what AA was in my life. I am also going to church again(a personal decision, please don’t attack it). So I feel very comfortable that I am NOT going to live a life as a miserable “Dry Drunk”, nor will I EVER end up in “the rooms” again. I will NOT close out my comment by saying “Thanks for listening” ……It is scary and sad the reaction that certain words evoke in me… The lingo runs deep! Anyway, glad to be out. :)

LOL!! :)

The COST of the LEAVING AA blog and more ….

hot  coffee

hot coffee

Hi everyone. Did coffee every look and smell like this at an AA meeting ?

Well its that time of year where I will be paying for my server.  …Yes I have my OWN server to keep up with the millions of hits we get each year. So far we have over 4.8 million.

If you want to contribute we thank you . Mahalo plenty.

….Thank you for any contribution.


The 13th Step @ The Steve Allen Theatre- Sept 6 @11am

Please join us for a screening at

The Center for Inquiry –


SUNDAY September 6th @11am

Q & A with Filmmaker Director MONICA RICHARDSON

$8.00 admission

$4.00 Students

(all proceeds go to the center)

The 13th Step -The San Antonio Film Festival-July 30th- plus more festivals added!

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We are happy and excited to announce that The 13th Step, is screening at the San Antonio Film Festival. http://safilm.com this Thursday @ 9pm, July 30th, 2015 in San Antonio Texas, at The Tobin Center. Please go here and buy tickets. Invite professionals you know to the screening.

Please come down to see the film there if you live in the area. There will be  a Q & A after the screening.

We will also be screening at The Voiceless International Film Festival in San Francisco August 14th, 2015. http://www.voicelessfilmfest.com. Please go here and buy your tickets. I will be attending this festival .

The Steve Allen Theatre in Hollywood in Association with The Center for Inquiry is also doing a screening early in September, with the SOS crowd. I will be attending this screening and hold another Q & A after. http://www.centerforinquiry.net/la/events/the_13th_step_documentary/

Next: we just got accepted to another festival in Action in Film Festival, located in Monrovia, California. This is a great opportunity to have the people who live near Los Angeles see the film . Please post on Facebook and Twitter and all social media to share with friends and family and professionals in the local area. http://www.aoffest.com.