Seeing Old AA Buddies After Six Months OUT…by ILLBEFREE OR DIE

intimadation picillbefree wrote this on her blog and thought is warranted more attention.

Just a couple of weeks ago I was walking to 7-11 with my zipped shopping bag tossed over my shoulder. I heard a strange voice call me from a vehicle. I just smiled and waved. (I had on my sunglasses w/o contacts and I would not be able to recognize whoever it was. I’m used to people hollering and blowing HELLOS to me here and there. I just wave and keep it moving.

The voice got LOUDER and more DEMANDING. I looked and it was one of my favorite AA people and another ol AA buddy.

She got out of the vehicle and approached me.

“How’ve ya been?” she smiled as she extended her arms for a hug.

“I’m okay,” I said over her hugging shoulders.

I immediately began to explain to her EVERYTHING (well almost everything) I have been doing…what my ex sponsor did to me…how my grand sponsor mishandled it…as usual (Old Mrs. “You have the look of DEATH upon you!”)

I told her that I sincerely feel that they helped me in the beginning, but ultimately tried to DESTROY me–and those witches almost succeeded.

“I feel like an abused child whose abusive caregivers initially took in and helped to save her life only to turn on her and try to KILL her for not getting ‘in step’ It is INSANITY for real,” I explained. “I suffered a MAJOR HEAD FUCKING from those two ol birds!”

“Please don’t judge and condemn all of us and AA due to two bad sponsors!”

“I’m sorry guys…but in the time I have been away I have gone to SMART–”

“GOOD!” cheered my ol favorite buddy throwing an arm triumphantly in the air.

“Hmmmmm….” I thought, “That was not the reaction I thought I was going to get!”

“Whatever you have been doing; wherever you have been going, it’s good because YOU ARE STILL HERE!” she said stroking my back. She was always such a positive, caring lady. I felt a tinge of guilt well up inside of me for neglecting to call her after what my ex sponsor did to me. She would have RUN to help me. I know it—

And I would likely still be in AA right now if I had because she had offered on numerous occasions to become my new sponsor and take me through the steps OR take me through the steps while I was with my old sponsor. She was willing to do whatever worked for me. I told my old sponsor about the offer to go through the steps with me and she said, “You tell them that I DO NOT co-sponsor!” (This is laughable because that is EXACTLY what she and her sponsor, my so-called grand-sponsor were doing!)

I remembered how damned “NICE” those folks were to me. It made me a little sad…and longing for days of IGNORANCE….and belonging if I must confess.

“I have been teaching myself to just be ALONE again. I do not really talk to many people on a friendly basis. They put a rift between my family and myself so that I do not have the same rapport that I once had with friends, associates or even my mother. (My mother and I used to be BEST FRIENDS…It’s not the same now.) I was so depressed and even felt somewhat suicidal at first…but I’m alright with it now—“ I explained.

The AA guy friend said, “You need to just get a new sponsor!”

I go, “God is my sponsor…”

“No…no! You need a real live person in the program to sit with you, go through the readings and the steps!” He always was kind of pushy, that one.

“I’m sorry guys,” I looked down. I didn’t want to hurt, upset or insult them. I know what they believe. “But I have just learned far too much about AA to go back into it now… I know WAY, WAY MORE than I knew prior to leaving AA….”

“But–” they started.

“It is actually IMPOSSIBLE for me to go back now. I would honestly rather DIE than go thru anything like what I was subjected to again…” I felt very guilty saying that to them. My eyes did not actually meet theirs as I stood talking like a sheepish little child explaining why she has been playing hooky from class or some such mess. (What is wrong with my ass! DAMN!)

“Well, you at least should have called me, Hon,” said my ol AA buddy.

“I’m sorry. I erased EVERYBODY’S number after my sponsor called to push me to hit-bottom-death. I didn’t want to call anyone out of desperation…If I was going to die due to leaving AA…I just accepted it–AND I ALMOST DID!”

I explained to them that I achieved a month solid sobriety via SMART.

“Good for YOU!” my buddy cheered. (I didn’t expect that at all. Weren’t they supposed to cajole, coerce and chastise me sternly? Maybe I had been away sufficiently long enough that I was to be treated nicely enough to get me back in? I did not know.)

“I got a new job…”

“Good girl!”

http://illbefreeordie.wordpress.com/

 

CHAPTER 5 from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous- Is it just one big LIE ? Whose ASKING?

big book image

DEPROGRAMMING from AA and any other 12 step cult. Page 1. The first thing I heard as I sat in rooms the last 5 months was that all of a sudden it felt like the literature was really off base, filled with lies and antiquated. SO I started my blogtalkradio show SAFE RECOVERY and I took apart the literature.. www.expaa.org you can read it there, and I wrote my own version, but this is my own brain, trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. Here we go…

Rarely have we seen  a person …any person who throughly followed Bill Wilson’s path. For if they did, they would have to be clinically depressed for 20 years of their time spent in AA.

They would have to take LSD for a few years to seek cure for alcoholism even though he didnt drink for 20 or so years when he started the LSD treatment. He would have been shunned and judged in today’s AA and have to start over with his time, which is a very important part of the AA hierarchy  of today.

Rarely have we seen a person follow this path. Those who do recover usually fail to completely commit themselves entirely to the wills and wants of this programs sacred leaders and unassailable dogma, usually men and women who are constitutionally capable of absorbing Bullshit.

He says: You are someone who is constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. ( So in plan speak Bill is calling you a sociopath) At every meeting you attend for the rest of your life you will be told this extremely negative phrase and you are expected to take it in and absorb it as truth. ) Sounds kinda destructive to me…

They are such unfortunates. But wait….you are not at fault. He gets you off the hook here. You were BORN THAT WAY! Really Bill? From birth, all of us sweet little babies….we were born broken? Long before we were hit, abused, molested….WTF Bill? Sorry Bill, I don’t think so! You have no natural capacity to be rigorously honest with yourself. ( Is he calling you a sociopath again?) hmmmm I think so. Then he talks about those who have emotional and mental disorders but gee wiz fellas….you too can recover if you can be honest. Now he doesn’t say “In recovery” he says “recover”.

Now here is one of the biggest manipulations used….If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it. Get what Bill? Sanity….not drinking like you did…moderation….switching from drinking to screwing newcomer woman…cheating on Lois…..creating a fake company and selling stock when no such company existed? Thats fraud…BILL…..Thats go to jail fraud Bill.

Okay , so you make the decision you want what we have, hmmm kinda creepy in todays sexual predator filled rooms, but okay, then you are ready to take certain steps. Now he begs us to be fearless and thorough...I guess like he was.….and that we have to let go of our old ideas …the result would be nil, until we let go absolutely. SO here is where it gets so culty to me.

He now tells us that we have to REMEMBER, that alcohol is cunning, baffling, powerful….really…I think it’s a beverage. A beverage with alcohol in it in different proportions.

When Bill was going through this, prohibition had just eneded and the temperance movement was huge. Alcohol was considered evil. Now Bill was blaming you, me, himself. Demon Rum got off the hook. It was you, me and Bill who were f**ked up now. not alcohol the beverage. Get it….Im sure the booze industry loved this guy.

But now he gets all religious on us. “WITHOUT HELP IT IS TOO MUCH FOR US! But there is ONE who has all power- that one is GOD. MAY YOU FIND HIM NOW!”

OMFG- Now, this is a religion. SO how is any Judge in the land sentencing people to this cult? Oh  boy, we have our work cut out for use….But wait there is more.

Half measures availed us nothing. Again he refers to GOD, that we need protection from HIM….he is talking about God  here, not a lightbulb, I am sure of it.

AND finally here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery. NOT “RECOVERING” forever!!!!

OK Im tired now. That was exhausting. Just kidding. It was fun to get it out of my head.

But clearly, if you are leaving, take any part of the literature, write it out and talk back to it using your sane brain which btw you have not lost!!! and post it here or journal privately like some bloggers prefer to do to help deprogram.

Love u guys and gals. :)bloggers:)))

 

 

 

So why did he try it. Was he still having cravings