June 20, 2016 at 3:30 PM #5421
Hello everyone! I am very grateful to have found this forum. I really want to leave AA because I have had enough with my sponsor and all the AA hoopla. I know AA works for some just not myself I’m afraid. A little about myself. I am 3 months sober I decided to move to a new city to get sober and restart life. I met a sponsor who took me under her wing and everything was OK in the beginning but now it’s just very uncomfortable. I followed her advice in the first part of recovery (as in going to detox and rehab.) I also attended meetings and what not but not so much anymore.
My sponsor has been very controlling as of late and getting out of line. Coming from an emotionally abusivr relationship I feel like a lot of her behavior is abusive. I turned down a meeting the other day and she made me feel like a complete failure. I told her my combination of therapy, exercise, and volunteering are helping me become more confident and I feel a lot better. Oh boy this was the wrong thing to say. She said “those things aren’t going to keep you sober! Meetings will!” I couldn’t even get a word in because she was telling me I would relapse and follow in her footsteps she knows best. After all she has 11 years sobriety she chirped. It just sickens me to my stomach because I need support at this time and if I choose an alternative path and am not using then what is the big deal? I felt like a child who failed and it’s eating me up inside because she was so supportive in the beginning of my journey and then once I tell her other things were working they were not the right things. I am at the point I don’t even want to talk to her because I don’t want anymore abuse about what I’m doing. I know I am new to recovery but the #1 reason I used was because of social anxiety. Now that I am working with a therapist and doing exercises to conquer those fears I feel a lot better and have lost desire to use. She also told me getting a job would not be in my best interest right now, meanwhile I’m going into debt and need a roof over my head. I don’t want AA to define me and I look at her life and she goes from meeting to meeting and calls everyone losers that is outside of the circuit. “In the rooms” I have been hit on by a lot of creeps and also have been accused of relapsing and I knew in my heart I didn’t. It gave me a similar feeling when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship before. My ex would accuse me of cheating when in the end he was cheating the whole time but made me feel horrible. Trying to prove something you know is not true is a true mindf*ck!!! I never thought I would have to deal with something like this again. I am still relatively new in this city so I know I will have no friends when I leave and fire my sponsor. I feel like I will have enemies and all this actually gives me anxiety that I shouldn’t have to deal with because I trusted that this was a safe place. I also trusted that I had a decent sponsor til all these red flags came up. What should I do? Should I even bother calling her? I know she will give me more abuse and I don’t want to have to take that. I am not a confrontational person and try to avoid argument but I’m not sure what to do. Thanks everyone for listening and please feel free to give advice. I want to leave aa but I feel like I felt leaving an abusive relationship. How did I get myself In this mess? I know I’m making progress and in my heart I know I should just brush my shoulders off but it’s easier said than done.
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