It was s nice to be out of and gone from AA
this was written by blogger ILLBEFREE its needs to be here.
Last Thanksgiving to now…
One of the things my ex sponsor(s) insisted I do was to stop spending time with my family–especially my mother. While I drastically cut back on visiting and calling my mother/family… I did not 100% cut all ties. (She’s my MOTHER for goodness sake! We were BEST FRIENDS!) This was always a point of contention. (I want to kick myself now for doing it at all as my mother’s and my relationship has changed forever due to AA people. My sponsor proudly stated that she always hated her own mother. I should never have listened to someone with obvious “mother-issues” in regards to my mother.)
I usually make Thanksgiving dinner with my mother. I go over to her place and we cook all night in between sips of her favorite champagne. She usually falls asleep and I end up finishing it all on my own…the cooking and the champagne. LOL Our little routine was always fun for me…and her.
Until…AA to the un-rescue!
Last year I did not go over and cook with my mother. I made my dish alone the night before Thanksgiving and brought it over the next day. I promptly went home after dinner…feeling GUILTY for being with my family as I had been forbidden.
I texted my sponsor the next day to see if she was going to one of those “alcothon” things she had taken me to the year prior. She sent me an annoyed text back.
I felt guilty for not going over to my mother’s and allowing us to just enjoy the holiday cooking together the night before Thanksgiving.
I felt guilty for even attending dinner the next day.
I felt stupid.
Like drinking alone…
I was really wondering what in the world I was doing in that crazy AA world that made absolutely no sense–ever…not really. But I didn’t want to die…not really, I guess. They persisted in prophesizing my imminent DEATH.
As a suicide attempt survivor I wanted to celebrate living 30 years after the attempt as a teenager. All they wanted to do was remind me that I was surely on the brink of death. It triggered so many old, old memories and traumas for me that I had spent years working to balance within myself with counselors and on my own.
I thought I was ok…until AA stepped in.
Last year on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, my sponsor called to tell me I was crazy, accuse me of getting “high” for taking Kava-Kava supplements, say she finally got my “hints”, advise me to get another sponsor, “Since so many other people like you so much and want to sponsor you so badly!” she spat resentfully, ” And why don’t you try those alternatives you keep mentioning!”
(Yes, at the same time: get another sponsor & try those alternatives she says.)
That was then…
This year…my mother did not want me to come over and cook with her. She is not angry or anything, but she had to adjust to my acting like I didn’t want to spend as much time with her anymore. I never told her I was in AA. I didn’t want her to worry and think that it was her fault…and all that guilt stuff that mother’s go through when their offspring suffer. So, I kept it to myself. She couldn’t understand why I was sort of backing up off from her though. (That hurt her. I felt so guilty. She did not deserve it.) With time, my mother has expanded her horizons and even has a lil boyfriend now. Which I think is GREAT!
The only thing in life that stays the same is that everything changes.
I can dig that…
It’s just when crazy AA people come into your life, twist it, turn it upside down, shyt on it, spit on you…pee on your shoe and SWEAR that it’s raining…that’s when it is a sin and should be a crime.
When they take a person and drive them to intensified anxiety, stress, depression and chaos and then just go on self-righteously about their own crazy AA-busyness as if they are some benevolent “miracles” and you are the loser for not drinking their Kool-Aid down…that is the tragedy and it should be a crime.
If I did to anyone what was done to me, I’d be sued.
It is malpractice and I want to know WHY this is allowed in this country. Really, now that Bush’s law regarding providing Mental Health Services the same as other medical services has been activated just in time for Obama’s Affordable Healthcare Act…more people will be seeking insured mental health and substance abuse services.
This should be a good thing, but knowing what I have learned this past year, it may mean that now the faux recovery racket is going to scam even more money and send more vulnerable people to unproven, ineffective treatment and dangerous meetings.
It is chilling to think of the implications.
This was a sad Thanksgiving for me…
I think I am going to skip all holiday stuff this year… I am not interested.