illbefree wrote this on her blog and thought is warranted more attention.
Just a couple of weeks ago I was walking to 7-11 with my zipped shopping bag tossed over my shoulder. I heard a strange voice call me from a vehicle. I just smiled and waved. (I had on my sunglasses w/o contacts and I would not be able to recognize whoever it was. I’m used to people hollering and blowing HELLOS to me here and there. I just wave and keep it moving.
The voice got LOUDER and more DEMANDING. I looked and it was one of my favorite AA people and another ol AA buddy.
She got out of the vehicle and approached me.
“How’ve ya been?” she smiled as she extended her arms for a hug.
“I’m okay,” I said over her hugging shoulders.
I immediately began to explain to her EVERYTHING (well almost everything) I have been doing…what my ex sponsor did to me…how my grand sponsor mishandled it…as usual (Old Mrs. “You have the look of DEATH upon you!”)
I told her that I sincerely feel that they helped me in the beginning, but ultimately tried to DESTROY me–and those witches almost succeeded.
“I feel like an abused child whose abusive caregivers initially took in and helped to save her life only to turn on her and try to KILL her for not getting ‘in step’ It is INSANITY for real,” I explained. “I suffered a MAJOR HEAD FUCKING from those two ol birds!”
“Please don’t judge and condemn all of us and AA due to two bad sponsors!”
“I’m sorry guys…but in the time I have been away I have gone to SMART–”
“GOOD!” cheered my ol favorite buddy throwing an arm triumphantly in the air.
“Hmmmmm….” I thought, “That was not the reaction I thought I was going to get!”
“Whatever you have been doing; wherever you have been going, it’s good because YOU ARE STILL HERE!” she said stroking my back. She was always such a positive, caring lady. I felt a tinge of guilt well up inside of me for neglecting to call her after what my ex sponsor did to me. She would have RUN to help me. I know it—
And I would likely still be in AA right now if I had because she had offered on numerous occasions to become my new sponsor and take me through the steps OR take me through the steps while I was with my old sponsor. She was willing to do whatever worked for me. I told my old sponsor about the offer to go through the steps with me and she said, “You tell them that I DO NOT co-sponsor!” (This is laughable because that is EXACTLY what she and her sponsor, my so-called grand-sponsor were doing!)
I remembered how damned “NICE” those folks were to me. It made me a little sad…and longing for days of IGNORANCE….and belonging if I must confess.
“I have been teaching myself to just be ALONE again. I do not really talk to many people on a friendly basis. They put a rift between my family and myself so that I do not have the same rapport that I once had with friends, associates or even my mother. (My mother and I used to be BEST FRIENDS…It’s not the same now.) I was so depressed and even felt somewhat suicidal at first…but I’m alright with it now—“ I explained.
The AA guy friend said, “You need to just get a new sponsor!”
I go, “God is my sponsor…”
“No…no! You need a real live person in the program to sit with you, go through the readings and the steps!” He always was kind of pushy, that one.
“I’m sorry guys,” I looked down. I didn’t want to hurt, upset or insult them. I know what they believe. “But I have just learned far too much about AA to go back into it now… I know WAY, WAY MORE than I knew prior to leaving AA….”
“But–” they started.
“It is actually IMPOSSIBLE for me to go back now. I would honestly rather DIE than go thru anything like what I was subjected to again…” I felt very guilty saying that to them. My eyes did not actually meet theirs as I stood talking like a sheepish little child explaining why she has been playing hooky from class or some such mess. (What is wrong with my ass! DAMN!)
“Well, you at least should have called me, Hon,” said my ol AA buddy.
“I’m sorry. I erased EVERYBODY’S number after my sponsor called to push me to hit-bottom-death. I didn’t want to call anyone out of desperation…If I was going to die due to leaving AA…I just accepted it–AND I ALMOST DID!”
I explained to them that I achieved a month solid sobriety via SMART.
“Good for YOU!” my buddy cheered. (I didn’t expect that at all. Weren’t they supposed to cajole, coerce and chastise me sternly? Maybe I had been away sufficiently long enough that I was to be treated nicely enough to get me back in? I did not know.)
“I got a new job…”
“Good girl!”
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